This time in May is hard since I always remember the birthday we should be celebrating, but aren’t.
It has been awhile; like most women who’ve miscarried, I can be far more specific about how long ago, but it probably wouldn’t interest anyone to know how many years, months, weeks, days and even hours. The point is it is still with me. I think about the baby I never got to hold, but I will always hold in my heart.
I’m honestly doing okay and I know God is good even when bad things happen. If I can easily trust Him in the good times, then I most certainly need to trust Him in the bad.
We rebel sometimes because we think somehow, God shouldn’t make us go through such miserable things if He is good. The truth is, we can be really uncomfortable with a god who inflicts or stands by and allows pain. It seems wrong, even if it is used for His glory. It doesn’t seem fair…
Fair. It wasn’t fair my baby died. But, when I say this, do I begrudge my friends who had babies who were born the same time mine should have been?
No, absolutely not! Their little ones are precious!
We tend to, wrongly, equate fairness with equality. It reduces everyone to the least common denominator and doesn’t address the heart of the issue: selfishness. If we are truly honest, whenever we demand something be “fair”, what we really mean is we aren’t happy someone else got more than we did.
We aren’t content with our blessings. I’m not sure why God’s plan for me included losing my little one, but I know there’s a reason. He doesn’t always tell us why, but asks us to trust Him and maybe one day I will know, but even if I don’t, it’s okay. I can be content in Him even in the struggle. That is what faith is. If I can trust God with my salvation, I can trust Him in this.
It took me a lot of processing and prayer to come to this place; years actually, but in those years something has been nagging at me.
We say we value life as Christians, but in practice, not so much. It hurts me to say this because I know it isn’t what God wants for us as His followers, but we collectively fail in this area.
“It’s better this way.”
Someone (who shall remain nameless) put a hand on my shoulder and said this trying to comfort me a few days after I lost my baby. I appreciate the concern, but honestly, it isn’t better this way. It’s a common sentiment and I know other parents have heard this one in response to their miscarriages, but it reveals what we value. We are uncomfortable with “defective” babies, kids, and people. We don’t like loss.
“As long as it’s healthy.”
I heard this all the time during my subsequent pregnancy after my miscarriage. Of course we all want the best for our kids and it isn’t wrong to want this, but it’s not always the case. Sometimes, things go wrong. Yes, it is a hard road to walk with special needs and health issues, but it doesn’t mean it’s better to lose these precious people before they are born. Their lives aren’t worth less. They aren’t second class citizens of this world because they are “defective”. There is a difference between being “defective” and having challenges. And we all have challenges.
Life is life.
We don’t get to be pro-life and say these kind of things; we can’t start making judgments about whose life is more valuable. No matter what.
That is why I wanted to talk about “fair”. It isn’t fair, in the human sense, that people are born with disabilities, but God has a plan with it. I speak from experience: I’ve struggled with a chronic illness. It makes life hard, but I’m valuable because I’m made in the image of God. I’m broken, but God uses me. We’re all broken somehow.
God isn’t fair, but He is good.
As humans, the best we can do for fairness is equality. God has done more for us; He gave us Jesus as a sacrifice to pay for our sins. Fair would have been death. He gave us life. Since God is God, He doesn’t have to give us a God-sized portion in life (although I’m sure we often think we deserve it); He is just, but still gave us grace. But, we still have to deal with the repercussions of our sinfulness.
Some paths are much harder to tread, but that doesn’t make them any less worthwhile. No matter what losses we endure, we can walk through them in faith, knowing that God is good. We need to value life, all life, as God does. When we start judging what is best according what is easiest or most comfortable, we impose our imperfect plan over God’s. It’s not better that way: that is the biggest loss of all.