I need to apologize for letting this site go dark for so long; what I had intended was to take off a few weeks leading up to Christmas so I could focus on healing from the car accident we were in back in October. What I didn’t count on was not healing…
So here I am in March much where I was back in December. I’m still exhausted, still bruised, and still in much more pain than I should be.
And I realized something: I’ve just been waiting.
Waiting to get better, waiting to go back to “normal”, and waiting to pick up my old life right where I left off.
And I’m really tired of waiting.
I don’t actually think this kind of waiting around is good for our souls. I’m not talking about the kind of patient waiting for the time to be right or the waiting because wisdom says so because God’s plan requires it. I’m talking about the forward focused, why-can’t-I-have-it-now, this-is-all-I-want kind of waiting. The waiting-because-I-don’t-have-any-other-choice waiting, that precludes doing much else.
This kind of waiting robs us of our today because all we can see is the rosy future. Think of how much would have been lost had Paul just sat around waiting to get out of prison, waiting to be able to spread the gospel. Clearly Paul would have loved not to be in prison, but from a jail cell he wrote a good number of the epistles, extolling God so that the early church could know Him better and consequently us today. How many of his jailors heard about Christ through Paul’s imprisonments? In Philippians 1:13 it says that “the cause of Christ has become well known throughout the whole praetorian guard and to everyone else.” Paul certainly wasn’t sitting there in silence…
The truth is that we don’t need ideal circumstances. As much as we’d like to be understood, or apologized to, be healthy, have financial resources, freedom, or space to do what we want, we don’t actually need it.
It took me a really long time to understand this. I had a bunch of plans that I was waiting on because I didn’t have the resources to make them happen; namely, I really really wanted to adopt, but adoption is really really expensive. I found out through a friend that the state covers nearly all adoption expenses when you adopt out of foster care because it is so important to get these kids into homes. The caveat though is that the kids are usually older and infant adoption isn’t really possible. In order to do this though you first become licensed as a foster parent. So we started thinking about fostering, but put it on the back burner.
There were a lot of reasons that it didn’t make sense to foster. We already had three small boys, we have a three bedroom home, and I deal with fibromyalgia so I get a little extra tired. I was still in my twenties so I figured we had plenty of time to do that “some day.”
Except that everywhere I turned I felt like I couldn’t get away from it and I was starting to risk disobedience by delaying any longer. I mean, it was actually possible… just not terribly convenient or ideal… whatever “ideal” is anyway.
When we do things that are easy and entirely out of our own power, it is easy to take the credit for it. When the challenges are inherent, we find ourselves relying on God’s strength and seeing Him working in it all. He’s there no matter how hard or easy something is, but it is simply easier to see Him and, I think, better for our souls when it is harder.
I don’t mean more difficult for the sake of difficultness. Really more the antithesis of easy for the sake of easy…
In my small group Bible study a few months ago, we usually have a funny icebreaker type question and that night’s was what we would do if we won the lottery.
It was easy to say that we’d start charities or give a bunch of the money away, but the reality is that I think most of us seemed to think these were pipe dreams. One guy whom I really respect said, as a challenge, that if we care about something enough, we’d find a way to do it without the money. I was challenged.
Most people who start giving or living in a radical and amazing way don’t do that because they have been blessed with the resources to do it; our life now if more indicative of the life we’d have then if we were blessed with more.
It just means starting small. When it’s not ideal. When it’s tough.
It means not waiting.
It is the faithfulness in the small things that leads us to be able to be faithful in the big things. I have so many more dreams for what I’d like to be able to do in the foster system to make a difference. I really want to finish my book. There is a charity that I’d like to start.
So I’m back writing again, even though I’m not better. I know all my dreams can’t come to fruition right now, but my goal is simply to do what I can, right now, even though it is hard. It may not be a book, but it is a at least one post.
In the meantime, I’d really appreciate prayers since my immune system isn’t working and I’ve been running a fever for the past week off and on. My hand is still not yet better and so it hurts to type. I’m really ready for this all to be over. Brian and my kids are too.
But I can’t wait anymore. We need to live like we should, like we dream, if it is just a little bit more each day. We only get one shot at this, you know.
What are you waiting for?
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